Anticipation

Happy November.

This has always been one of my favorite months of the year. The leaves have all fully changed and are falling by now. Most days require a jacket and you get to wear the best weather accessories. Though, I have to admit that since kids-I haven’t enjoyed all the needed accessories as much (have you ever spent 15 minutes with a two year old attempting to put on their coat? Not to mention the then repeated task of fixing their hat to ensure it covers their ears for the length of the entire outing?) Oh the joys. The best thing though is that I feel like November is officially the “Holiday Season” and that means good food and even better company, fall festivals, Thanksgiving, Christmas shopping, decorating the tree -all the fun “hallmark moments” happen in the holiday season right?

One of my favorite things of this season is the peanut butter fudge, but the silly thing is that I maybe only eat one piece, if any at all the whole season. If you knew my mom, you knew her peanut butter fudge. It was good. She was good at making it. She was good at bossing us kids and Dad around the kitchen to ensure it didn’t burn, the marshmallow was added at just the right time and the stirring never stopped. It was a full family affair- I assure you that. I have to admit that my role never really surpassed the opening of all the ingredients thanks to the fact that both my older brothers have always been more valued in the kitchen than I, and with good reason. Still I will always remember those moments; the Hallmark Christmas movie moments where we all got along, the house smelled festive, and for a couple hours the world seemed good. I’m so thankful for these memories and many more like them. And I pray you have your own fudge making moments to reminisce about.

Nevertheless, I’m not naive enough to believe this season is only full of hallmark moments. I recognize it is often the most difficult time of the year for many. The Holiday Season is often accompanied with painful memories, anxiety warranted encounters with “that” relative, and even the crushing weight felt from the absences of those we loved. This is the first holiday season without my mom and even in typing that I had to force a deep breath, bite my lip and hold back tears. It’s so hard isn’t it? Grief. Not knowing how to respond in any moment because though you have done this thing, whatever it is, many times, somehow its all different now because fill in the blank. For me it is because she isn’t here now. I know how to get my plate, walk around my Aunt’s island overflowing with food we are bound to eat for days to come, smile, and even cheerfully chat-but how do I do it this time without her?

I don’t know. I won’t know. But I know I will.

And that sucks. That sucks. And the funny thing is that I’m not even romanticizing it all. I know it’s going to be hard and I know I’m going to be sad. I recognize all this while reflecting not only back on the picturesque moments, but on the frantic hurry to clean and get dressed, being accused that I took her mascara, being corrected by her because I am overreacting to something, and even that ridiculously absurd water bottle yelling fight we had. (Remember that one Ryan?) Remembering all that and still the anticipation of her absence is unspeakably heavy. See greif and loss isn’t just about what is no longer. It’s what once was. It’s about what will not be. It’s about what now has to be.

I Love you mom.

For whatever reason when it all hits, all the missing her, all the feels, all I can say is “I love you mom.” I love you mom. And to all those of you anticipating an absence, I know you love them too.

The Owsley Family, Holiday Season 2017