The boys woke up a little later than usual today, but Elijah was feeding pretty early which consumed the few minutes in the morning I have to get ready before Daddy leaves for work. So maybe it was because of that…or maybe I was just lazy. Either way, I quickly brushed my two-day-old hair and grabbed a thick cloth headband in attempt to hide my becoming greasy roots. The headband. It was magenta in color. It didn’t look brand new, but it felt new to me.
Now none of this may sound like anything but the ramblings of a pretty mundane morning routine. The headband; a simple accessory. But after I brushed my teeth I looked up to the mirror I recalled the words of my sister-in-love, Jessica. As we were sorting through your things I had a tendency to dismiss times for one reason or another but I fear she saw through that mask of unattachment and she advised,
“You’d be surprised what things your glad you kept and how they remind you of her.”
Wise words Jess. Wise words, because here I am now looking in the mirror and watching my face slowly turn solemn as I remember.
I remember buying this headband at a random CVS I had never been to as I made my way to the hospital after a day full of work and clients across the state. You had never asked for more headbands but I had grown tired of continuing to push your glasses up on your nose, and lets be real- that little attempt of a bump on the top of your head with a small clip wasn’t giving you the volume you desired. So I got some headbands and all in the purple family because that was your favorite.
As I showed you the headbands I knew I would have to convince you it was the right way to go and time to ixnay the pseudo clip bump, but I think we all know I am not afraid of some convincing. So I brushed your hair but you said it needed washed instead, Nana was coming tomorrow and you wanted to look your best so not to worry her more (still and always thinking of how you can ease others' even in the midst of your own turmoil). I looked around the room and pretended I knew what I was doing when all I wanted to do was ask you what was the best way to do this, but I knew that would be enough for you to say I didn’t need to. I stepped out instead and “asked a nurse for some towels” but what you didn’t know was I asked her for much more as she instructed me how to wash someone’s hair while they lay in bed.
Now convincing I can do naturally…nurturing, that doesn’t always come as natural to me as it always seemed to be for you, but I learned. I learned as you taught me in that moment as I washed your hair with a bin, washcloths, towels, and shampoo. I brushed your hair and we eased your headband on, put on your glasses and they slipped under the cloth sides of the headband for extra support. Check. I told you I really liked the headband on you and you simply nodded. Dad shared he thought you looked great, and you gave him a smile. Nana came the following day and as she walked in and said,
“Your hair is different. You look young. Just like my Gina Baby!”
and you gently laughed and said, “Thanks Mom”. Now the headband move was fully validated- thanks Nana. Check.
Back to my mirror I returned but no longer solemn. Rather filled with sweet memories we shared and remembering continued lessons you taught me. I find not many people want to think about their loved ones growing older, dependent, ill, or weak- but oh how sweet is the gentle nurturing love to give another. You gave it to me my whole life mom- some days more gentle than others though. For a short while I was able to attempt to show you the same, even though I know I owed you much more.
Today I wore more than an accessory.
I wore your memory.
I wore your love.
Today I wore your headband.
Love you mama.
See, complete healing does not come from us alone. It doesn’t come from pretending the hurt never occurred, it doesn’t exist, or we have forgotten about it. I am continuing to understand complete Healing can only come from the hand of God. I am reminded of a Psalm of praise where the psalmist shares,
“He heals the brokenhearted, and bandages their wounds.” 147:3.
Only God can heal and He does so by bandaging our wounds. If a wound goes unattended it can become infectious and cause even deeper hurt. If left alone a wound can leave an unnecessary or gruesome scar which marks us to the world as having fallen victim to something. Instead when we seek the Lord for His healing He first recognizes our hurt. I love even more- He recognizes our emotional state, that of a broken heart. Then He bandages- with the same gentle nurturing love I just spoke of. He shields us from our wound being exposed to the world while it heals and He allows us to heal safely and with minimum scarring that shows we overcame.
BUT none of this wondrous healing can occur in such a way UNLESS we first come to Him.
Thank you God for your goodness, gentleness, and unfailing love & thank you mama for being a reflection of just that in my life too many times to count.
“The Lord’s delight is in those who fear him, those who put their hope in his unfailing love.” Psalm 147:11
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