It’s been a minute I know. For that I apologize. In all honesty I have been avoiding you, AIL, and avoiding the hurt I feel lately. The holiday season has been difficult so far as I anticipated, and my attempts to “grin and bear it” have left me lackluster for moments I should be relishing in with my littles (Silas and Eli).
So I try. I try to feel close to the past while simotaneously present in the now. I watch the cheesy hallmark and holiday movies that I used to dread and share with the boys how much their Nan enjoyed them. “This was her (Nan’s) favorite, and Mommy used to make fun and get yelled at by Nan for ruining the movie...” how I wish she could say “Lauren” one more time in her condescending tone with a deep exhale from her nose that I could hear from across the room. Still my attempts at feeling close to what was seem to only further the distance I now feel from her...
Then today comes and I felt so very close to her, in the best of ways. I had Elijah in the moby wrap after incessent whining and refusal to nap (thank you teething) and I was playing dinosours with Silas when Silas looked up and yawned.
“Are you sleepy bud?”
“Yeah...Mommy’s bed”
“OK let’s go.”
He instantly dropped his stegasouras and ran to “mommy’s bed”. Now for all the moms out there who have sleep trained and never coselpt with your children, you may have to sit and read this, or judge me if you may, BUT yes my boys nap in my bed. Silas climbed up first and began his excited laugh “huh-ha-huh-ha” its a noise that I think all nursing kiddos learn young that I guess he never outgrew. I get settled with Elijah and began nursing. Then I turned to see Silas and he asked me to sing Sunshine. He didn’t ask for milk. He didn’t ask to be held. He asked for me to sing. So I sang You Are My Sunshine and he quickly drifted off to sleep. Both boys asleep at the same time, it was a miracle.
I immediately thought to the laundry waiting to be folded on the couch, the boy’s clothes ready to be washed, and countless other chores waiting to be done. But then something in my spirit calmed me. I didn’t feel anxious about my todo lists I always do. I wasn’t fearful of the silence‘s ability to draw me back to the pain of her absence or the loss of others, as it usually does. Instead I was calmed and I looked at my sleeping boys and simply breathed in the moment.
What a love I have for them. A completely new kind of love my heart had never known until their arrival. A love I had only ever heard spoken of...“You’ll learn one day when you have your own” the phrase I had heard mama say so many times before resonated with me in that moment. Right then I felt so close to her because I felt like her. It wasn’t in a memory nor was it in recreation of a task. It was in becoming like her that made me feel oh so close to her. The best way I can honor her and the best way I can be close to her is to be like her (that will preach too y’all). So I stayed. I sat in the quiet and held my babies while they slept-in my bed-with me. Because I don’t care if they won’t sleep in their beds alone next nap time. I care that they too know what it feels like to be close to there mama. We all need that, to be close.
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